One of the things that happened along the way was that I had to say goodbye to me. As I have been moving through this time of reorganization, I never did so without bringing my radio personality into the mix. I can see now that this was another time in which I spoke about myself in the third person. Meditation revealed to me I had been fighting for “her” place in my new life. It wasn’t until I came back to Anchorage in the summer of 2017 that I understood what was happening.
I was doing some fill-in work at KNBA radio. It was the first time back at my old stomping grounds since 2016 when I also did some part-time work while in town. With the headphones on, a song playing in my ears, I heard a voice say: “This is too limiting. You love music, but it’s too limiting.” I immediately thought, You can’t take this from me. But then I realized that nobody was taking anything from me. It was all going with me, but it was going to convert its form and its shape into something new. Wasn’t this what I asked for? To let the new emerge?
This openness to change was a huge turning point for me. I had been trying all this time to force who I’d been in radio, this great rock n roll dj, into a new idea that was not yet fully formed. I can see why I was so attached to this identity; it’s who I’ve known myself to be for a long time, so the idea of letting that go was terrifying. Who would I be if I wasn’t that? In that instant, the butterfly began to flap her wings.
Who we believe ourselves to be, how we see ourselves, the identities we have, the roles we play….when you deepen your awareness of the Self, when you consciously and actively co-create your own evolution, shift happens! Things fall away, you outgrow relationships and jobs, sometimes you even outgrow you. The more I changed internally the more my outer world fell away. The old skin cannot hold the new wine.
From the book, "The Confusion Experiment."